Troubles
what is the purpose of life, if it means to compete, if it means to be better, if it means to please my mother, if it means to abide by my father, if it means to swallow my pride, if it means to pursue a dream that has become a rude reality, if it means working all day at every other place, if it means paying debts and never have money, if it means doing chores at home, if it means to be the breadwinner, if it means to be tied down and anchored in the deepest of oceans?
what have i done to deserve all this? i must have accidentally stepped on an ant and beared its curse of revenge. i must have hung up the phone too soon that the person(s) on the other end swore that no one will hear me out again. i must have been a glutton for having more than two scoops of curry chicken gravy on my rice that has finished up the whole pot for the genuinely hungry person(s) after me. i must have been doing things the wrong way in order to be getting these punishments.
where is my place on this earth that my tired heart and overworked mind can finally embrace some peace? is it in an unfamiliar building not too far from home where the solemn steely concrete pillars stand and listen to my sobs? is it at home then, if home was ever its purpose of its name? is it in the confinements of my room, with faint wafts of liquin apparating in the air and the static rumbling of the engine of the fan blowing at my feet? is it at the artificial park where the lush greens and sweet oxygen cools the skin on my arms and face, while a gentle breeze carelessly ruffle some leaves and twists some branches? or is it in the warmth of someone’s embrace, the scent of deodorant and soap on the neck and a firm but knowing hand stroking my back?
i realized that i don’t know. i don’t really care. i don’t want to care. my own identity not cemented, my own future more uncertain than ever, my wallet never thickening, my yearn for going slowly enveloping me. this is just life; what is the worst that can happen to me?
